RestInPeace.

As I drive, I wonder,

Does that man – that woman – know where I'm going?

And if they did, would they care?

Would they care that someone who’s loved dearly is gone forever?

Would they care that two son’s lost their mother –

And a husband his wife?

As I ache for memories I will never hold with her,

I wonder how many of these people are holding onto their last memories with her.

I wish to take the pain away from her family and her friends.

I long to see her holding her son again, wearing a full smile on her face.

As I look at pictures, and hear stories,

I wonder what it was like to know her,

And to laugh with her.

I look out at the busy streets,

And wonder.

Is that woman – or that man – going somewhere important?

And if they are, does anyone care?

Are they going to mourn the loss of someone they loved dearly?

Did they loose their sons, husband, wife, daughters, mother or father?

Why is it that we judge so many people, without looking at our own lives first?

I wonder how many of these people last tried hard to make someone’s day better for them.

Six words ring out in my head, every morning I wake up, and every night before I sleep.

I want to scream it out,

To everyone on the busy, rushing streets,

And to everyone in this small, crowded church.

Is this your greatest day ever?

Open Your Eyes.

You’re all she thinks about,

She could talk for days about you and everything you do.

When she talks to you, it’s the highlight of her day.

She has a silly smile on her face for the rest of the day.

She truly looks happy when she’s with you.

When you hug her, she wishes you’d keep your arms around her for a little bit longer,

She wishes she could stop time and replay it here over and over.

You always leave her with a smile on her face

And a million butterflies.

But at the same time…

If only you knew,

When she’s upset, its usually your fault.

No matter how many people tell her different,

She refuses to see any bad in you.

She believes your perfect for her,

She thinks worth every second of the pain and the wait.

Anything you do narrows done to a mere mistake to her,

She refuses to believe you’d hurt her.

You give her smiles and butterflies one day,

And tears and heartache the next,

You continuously put her through tough situations.

But at the same time,

She never would admit it.

If only you knew…

Dear -----,

Your anger is a façade

To mask the fear you feel.

You feel a need to be strong

Because without it, you feel you have nothing.

You feel you need to brag,

About your money and family,

But you would rather not have money,

If it meant your family could stay together.

You feel that you should move on,

But you wish you could go back.

You feel that your ready,

But you need more time.

You cant hold on,

Even if you know it wont stay like this.

Things will get better.

People change,

Things change.

Nothing lasts forever,

And the person you thought would never hurt you -

Will.

Hold on,

Wait for the storm to pass.

Wondering.

I wonder if there was a cure to all diseases,

Would the government release such a powerful drug?

I wonder why people judge other countries –

We can’t even keep our own healthy and safe.

I wonder what a dying man’s last words are –

Are they arrogant or regretful?

I wonder why adult’s say that we’re not trying to change –

Why don’t they stop and listen to our ideas?

I wonder why all we talk about is peace –

But no one tries to contain it.

I wonder what doctors think after a patient dies –

Failure or opportunity?

I wonder why adults think they’re the voice of this nation,

They need to see that it’s the youth that are in control.

I wonder what’s making our generation give up –

Is it laziness, or fear of failing?

I wonder what makes someone feel truly happy –

And why they don’t share their secrets.

I wonder what it feels like to have the power to change almost everything –

Why isn’t he doing more?

I Remember...

I remember when I first saw you,

And I remember when they told me you were just six.

I remember when they said you were only 16 pounds.

And I remember the way they frowned.

I remember the way you reached out to me,

And I remember holding your hand in mine,

I remember how your frail, long fingers grasped mine.

And I remember praying you would survive.

I remember my sister crying, saying, “Momma, it’s not fair.”

And I remember how you watched with curiosity as my mom hugged her.

I remember when we left room, not wanting to see you suffer.

And I remember the way tears fell from your cheeks.

I remember the way you fell back into your bed, reaching out as a last thank you.

I remember thinking about you on the 22hour plane ride home.

And I remember hearing daddy come home from work early two days later.

I remember the tears in his eyes as he told us you didn’t make it.

And I remember crying.

I remember you, Andile.

And I promise not to forget.

Dear Anonymous,

Dear Anonymous,

The end is closer now,

You tell me you’re ready.

I beg you to hold on,

The storm will end –

It can’t rain forever.

You tell me you can’t wait,

It’s too hard.

You’re drowning in lies,

And your lifeboat of truth is me –

You tell me you love me,

And you tell me you’re sorry.

But you just can’t hold on.

The waves are crashing over your head,

It’s too hard to swim.

Stay strong –

I'm begging you.

The current pulls you father away,

Breaking you slowly,

Tempting you with everything it is.

Threatening to show just how far you can bend,

Before you break.

I call your name one more time,

Begging you please, please just wait.

You shake your head,

And tell me,

You can’t hold on,

There’s no truth that can keep you here,

There’s nothing to make you stay.

Your bones are weak,

Your heart is broken.

Your last hope has been demolished.

I'm here,

I love you.

Please stay –

I know it’s not the same,

I know I'm not her.

I know you tried.

But please,

Try again.

Try for me.

Silent Scream

A silent scream,

To follow the rhythm.

I watch limply,

As the storm rages on.

I cry out again,

For your velvet reply

My frigid mind searches.

I become frightened that this overgrown forest

Will flourish around me,

And your brilliant glowing

Will only be imagined.

My memories keep me sane

As everything else fades away,

As I wait.

Wait for you.

What She Told Me-

She was a quite girl,

Never saying anything too much.

She never wanted to give herself away,

Never wanted to be hurt;

She was the type with real eyes

That realized real lies.

She said,

People think I'm strong -

Anyone can be strong as long as they know

What it feels to be weak.

I keep my guard up,

But, you would too if you’ve known what it really means

To cry yourself to sleep.

Damaged people are the dangerous ones,

Because, boy, they know how to survive.

Some people think all you need is

Ignorance and confidence.

People expect me to have so little to say.

But if you gave me a chance,

I’d turn it all around, I'd speak the world's words,

And sing the bird's songs.

Then she stopped, smiled a little and said,

But I'm not that girl anymore.

I'm right where I belong,

In this sad, sad song.

I wasted my wish

On people that will never care.

A tear ran down her cheeks as she continued,

Running only far enough for people to miss you

Never works,

And putting up walls to see who cares enough

To jump over them,

Will only let you down.

You have no idea

About the pain someone’s going through,

And you’ll never leave where you are

Unless you decided where you want to be.

Through Her Eyes;

When I first met you, I never thought you’d ever take a second look at me. And at first, I was so right it hurt. The realization that there were so many others you wanted more made me feel broken – like pieces were missing from my puzzle.

But I went on, talking to you some, letting you leave me with countless butterflies and a million questions swirling. It was like a hundred piece puzzle, and if I could find the corners and borders, I could get the big picture that I needed to get to you.

I wanted to know you – who you were, and why you were. But you honestly didn’t care. You were you because you could be, and you are who you are, because the world has broken you down to be just that – a clone of thousands of others, yet a little more.

Soon the borders were finished, and an outline of the most beautiful disastrous picture was taunting me.

Soon, we became close, and even that seemed unreal. The butterflies reserved themselves for someone new and the questions faded to such real knowing that I never wanted anything more. I knew you were more then you put yourself off to be – like I had originally expected – yet, there was still some unknown about you. Some pieces were missing that were so crucial to the puzzle, yet you could still see the picture.

You started to change, you were acting so strange – I thought it was all ending. Pieces started to fall out and bend, and I tried to shove them in the wrong places. I looked at the spaces I had to fill, and the pieces I had left to fill them, yet none of it made sense. It was like you had given me a two sided puzzle, but I hadn’t noticed until now. You turned things around so fast I felt as if I would fall any second. You turned it back into a love game, but this time you being the one seeking for the pieces. I tried to stay back, knowing nothing good would come out of it, but you pushed so hard, and I became weak and tired. It was easy for you; you had had this puzzle so memorized it took no time.

You changed your mind at one point, and made it into a thousand piece puzzle and had me put it together. I started working at it slowly, but never really searched for the corners, which I knew were crucial. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to see the full picture anymore. You promised it would be beautiful…but how could I be sure? You had tricked me many times before – it wasn’t a hard thing for you.

But soon, after much coaxing from you, I searched for the vital pieces; the ones that would make everything fall into place. Soon, I had the essentials, and a few of the little ones put in place. But it was like every time I snapped one in, you mixed the others, making it impossible to finish it quickly.

I wanted to give up on this puzzle, try a new one, smaller. But you ensured me that I was so close, said it was only mere moments. I worked harder, snapping pieces so quickly it seemed unreal. The picture was the most beautiful thing I had seen evolve. Bright colors, vivid lines and a clear message – perfection. You smiled and promised me with time, it would be more beautiful, I just had to let the original shock sink in.

But one day, while passing the puzzle, checking to make sure every piece was there, I noticed a few were missing. A look in your eyes told me you knew exactly who took them, but your reassuring voice promised me it was nothing. You would find the pieces and put them back.

But slowly, more pieces started to disappear. Your strong voice told me not to worry, you would find a new, better puzzle. I agreed hesitatively. That had been our puzzle, who was taking it?

You told me that as long as everything was ok with my puzzle, the one I had started with, I would be ok while you found ours. You told me to trust you, and only you.

But as new pieces in my puzzle remind me, trusting only myself would’ve been a better idea. If I had took the time to look at each piece of my puzzle, then compare it to the one we now shared, I could’ve known that nothing was right from the start. But I was so awestruck by the one you had put together for us, I refused to look back at my inferior puzzle.

You tore the pieces of our puzzle from me slowly, handing them to her, all the while keeping your cool, strong voice. Truth is, I'm done pretending. Like everything, the best things come in the ugliest packages. My puzzle was better, more beautiful. ‘Our’ puzzle was messy, sudden and wrecked.

Tears fell from my cheeks as I realized my mistake:

I thought you were the missing piece, but as it turned out, you just ruined the entire puzzle.

Bad Rhymes.

You're the one that can make or break my day,

And lately, you’ve been leaving my day gray.

You tell me it’ll be okay,

Don’t believe what they say,

But everything seems to be fading away.

You call and say:

"Hey call me back sometime later today."

But right now,

Things are in disarray,

And the tears fall without delay.

I don’t want it all to fade away,

But leaving things to decay

Seems like a pretty good way.

You tell me you wont lie,

But its your lies that are leaving me to cry.

Fairy Tale Love -

It's crazy, right?

To love someone who's hurt you?

It's crazier to think that

Someone who hurt you, loves you.

I wish I hadn't fallen for your lies,

I never wanted fairy tale love,

But I never asked you to create the illusion

Of short term perfection.

You destroyed what I thought was reality,

I never wanted you to tease me with your love.

I guess just because somebody loves you,

Doesn't mean they wont hurt you.

And I guess it's no big deal,

Really --

Break my heart, let me down.

Cause you "care" about me, right?

But when we were together,

I remember how I thought I would never stop loving you,

How I thought you were the one.

But now I see what you really are,

And I wish I could've seen the real you then.

Cause after all the hearbreaks,

And heartaches,

All I'm left with is a hole in my heart,

And feeling let down.

And when you told me you loved me,

I couldn't help but imagine how many

Other girls would hear those same three words.

Now Im sitting here,

Thinking, What if?

You really had me going for a while,

Made me think you'd never hurt me.

Cause please, if you really cared about me,

you wouldn't have done that.

I think about

Broken hearts and broken promises,

Yet, I keep feeling broke apart.

Just because I come off strong,

Doesn't mean I didn't fall asleep crying,

And even though I act like nothing is wrong,

Maybe, just maybe

I'm really good at lying.

Is this what love is?

The highs and lows?

The breakups and late nights crying?

Then no thanks,

I like my heart whole.

Now I can't breathe,

Im up late thinking about the past.

Torn into pieces, can't pretend Im alright.

You'll never care how much I cried.

You probably think you beat me,

You expect me to break,

You say, "I know you, you don't just stop caring."

But I never showed all of me to you,

You don't know me as well as you think.

I sit awake,

Thinking,

If I don't love you anymore,

Then why do i care so much?

Sometimes I wish you were still mine,

That I could turn back time.

Cause then I never would have done that too you,

And you would love me too.

I wish it were easier to see your face,

But I still see it every place.

I wish I could stand to see you two together,

But I just tell myself, "Whatever."

Cause I know,

Im just fooling myself into believing

I still love you, cause really,

I deserve better than you.

You told me you never wanted to see me hurt,

So does that mean you closed your eyes when I cried?

Listen,

I want the truth from you even if it hurts me.

You were there,

Through good and bad,

Where are you now?

I don't care what you say,

You were still the one to walk away.

I'll never get the true answers,

So I just shut my eyes,

Walk away,

And pray I don't fall.

You know, The worst thing about being lied to

is knowing you weren't worth the truth.

And although there were broken promises and broken hearts,

Without you, I still feel broken apart.

I cried today,

Not because I miss you

or even wanted you,

But because I realized that

I'm going to be all right

Without you.

Things Im Too Scared To Say;

· Why did everyone else but me notice that you’re walking all over me?

· Why don’t you just grow up?!

· Why do you choose to ignore it?

· Why won’t you just hurry up and stop?

· Why are you so cruel?

· When are you going to stop pretending?

· When did you decide to stop loving me?

· When did you start to care so much?

· When did he start to matter more?

· What did I do to make you so mad?

· What happened to us being close?

---

1. Wounds heal, scars fade and hearts mend. Give it some time.

2. You’re being really hypocritical. Think about what you say first.

3. You’re going to break her heart. At least break it nicer.

4. I miss the old you, but I have a feeling I wont ever be strong enough to say it. (I said it. You laughed.)

5. You act so perfect, it’s really getting on my nerves.

6. I'm afraid I’ll lose you to something smaller. (I lost you to something smaller.)

7. I'm sorry.

8. You’re so strong, don’t let go now.

9. You’re trying too hard to fit in with people that might not ever accept you.

10. And you’re hurting the friends you’re leaving behind.

11. I missed you, still do and might always.

13. You’re the only one I'm trusting with this…please keep it safe.

14. If I find out it was all a lie, I don't think I can forgive you. I trusted you.

15. I miss you a lot. You saved my life.

16. Please don't end your life; I know it's hard now. Things will get better, it cannot rain forever. I love you.

17. Hold on for a little bit longer, I think it's coming soon. (It came!)

18. Hold your head up high, some people would kill to see you fall.

19. Don’t change who you are because of this. (I was too late.)

20. Im afraid that you'll turn into some one you're not, and I'll only end up missing the person I thought you were. (You turned into someone else, I got left behind. I miss you.)

21. The night you apologized and I forgave you, I realized I was only holding myself prisoner.

22. You give me butterflies. (gave)

*Original -- June 5, 2009*

*Edit-- June 24, 2009*