lost.

I feel like I need to say so much.

But I cannot think of a single thing to say.

I feel like everything is going wrong,

And everything is just fine.

What is happening?

Yes, today did help.

I will tell you, I just feel dumb because there's no reason for me to freak out.

Im just a dumb.

ahem.

Im finding it stupid that you tell me know you follow this,

But that's all you say and read.

Read this then:

There's nothing you can do to ruin anything here.

Leave me alone, thank you.

worry.

you,idiot.

aaljkdflakjsdfoiawjefiamslkajdd.

this is so weird.

is it possible to care too much?

i dont know.

owlcity.

If I was a raindrop, would you be my thunderstorm?

It's cold so surround me with rain clouds to keep me warn.

I feel like Im falling, so darling don't let me go.

The thought it appalling but should I slip away into the stormy sea,

Would you remember me?

Asleep in a warm cocoon, I dream of lovely things.

We're both going to wake up soon, so we hope that tomorrow brings us our butterfly wings.

If I was a grain of sand, would you be Miami Beach?

So dusty with starlight, close your eyes and cuddle close to me.

Ill try not to wake you, or make a sound while you're dosing off.

But in the night, should the high tides sweep me away from you,

Tell me again my dear, will you be waiting here?

Whenever we leave the ground, and take to the sky

Ill smile as Im gazing down, cause I've always wondered why

We wont need feathers to fly.

-butterflywings,adamyoung.

sorrry.

Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.

I need to remind myself that this is a new start, and everything that happened is in the past.

Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.Im sorry.

Wall.

This wall is closing around me and I can't stop it. I feel like a thousand warning signs are blaring in my head, but I can't force myself to get away. Memories attack as I sleep, but I convince myself they mean nothing. But here it is, with my mind trying to control the other half of the same mind, with my heart standing still. I need to understand, and I need truth, and I need trust, and I need to know there's nothing else. But sometimes I can't figure out what's going on inside your head, not that I need to constantly, but maybe that' just what I need for now. I keep telling myself its all just fears starting to realize just how safe I feel and it's time to shut down before pain, I can only convince myself it's all real for so long before instincts take over. I hear that I need to let go of what happened before, but it seems like it will always be there waiting to remind me just how stupid I can be. I need to know if you still hear me, even if it isn't exactly the way we promised to be heard. I need to convince myself that it's all okay, before this all falls apart.

I really don't want this to fall apart.

um...

just so you know, im not liking the way you try to control my life.

do not tell me how to act around this person, and do not tell me what i do wrong later.

i dont need you to write everything down to show me later.

it's really not up to you, incase you somehow forgot that.

i dont see why you're lying. it may seem silly to you, but trust is real to me, and i dont see why it's such an important thing to hide. it's only making me nervous. maybe it'll make sense soon, or maybe it was a joke. but maybe it's time for the joke to be over, so i can stop wondering if this was all fake from the start. it's stupid, but maybe that's just because im stupid. explain it to me, because i thought i had it all figured out, but now im lost again.

.

I'm miles from where you are,

I lay down on the cold ground,

I, I pray that something picks me up

And sets me down in your warm arms.

no point.

blah blah blah meow meow.

im tired of this.

summer or something needs to come save me.

time is going by so slow, then so fast.

aklfjasldkjfalskjdflaskjdlcmsadofweiajelscms;ad.

.

More,foryou?

Here, I start my story. Here, with shaky hands and slow breathing, I write out the words that need to be finalized. I am afraid that when I start here, I will not be able to stop. I am afraid that the words will fly so easily from my mind onto this paper that I’ll believe it to be true again, but only time will tell.

Time. Time goes by quickly, yet still the same amount passes by. Time can drag on too, as if you’re waiting in traffic or for an elevator. But it’s still time. And I'm still here, after all this time. The time…a succession of two years, with a year of healing and surprise to follow.

Right. Starting. Starting my story, here I begin:

It was raining, and it was cold – it was winter, so that didn't surprise me. But what did surprise me, at first, was how many people were outside at this time of night – past midnight, I was guessing. There was a lot going on at the time. There was a lot of chaos, and a lot of people trying to organize the chaos. It’s difficult to organize chaos.

okay.

You hate me,

Im a horrible person.

Im stupid,

Im lazy and I dont care about anyone.

How many times would you like to tell me all this tonight?

I dont know what you want me to say?

whatif.

What if our confidence was placed in something bigger than ourselves,

so that our own dreams weren't limited to our own fears and insecurities.

What if believing in something automatically made it reality?

What if the second our head hit the pillow at night,

all our worries and thoughts disappeared,

And in the morning, our mind was renewed,

not lacking any previous gained wisdom,

but built on what is made from prior circumstance.

i have a fear that every one i know is working together to play a huge joke on me.

make me trust them, then ditch me and leave me alone.

sometimes it disappears, and i feel free.

but then again, i always know its there.

and i wish it wouldnt be.

life.

"that's not how you look at life!"

"how do you look at life?"

"if you want to accomplish anything in life, you have to look at it knowing that you're going to loose anything you like. there's really no point in being happy, life sucks."

"are you saying i shouldn't pursue my dreams?"

"that's exactly what im saying. no one cares about your dreams, they just want it for themselves."

"if they can have it, why cant i?"

"because you dont want it like they do."

"how would you know that?"

"because you're young and think life is great."

"and your a year older than me and know it's not?"

"we live, we die. it's just a game."

"and there's no point to it at all?"

"to please god, i guess."

im sorry you feel that way.

but the glass is still half full for me.

Photography.

Because I have no idea what else to say.

Im happy and confused and have butterflies still.

And it's silly because I have no idea what's going on.

Ha.

And she'd ask him to dance,

But she cant trust that he'd say yes.

Maybe that's better.

Maybe not.

Replypost.

Yeah, we seem to have trouble doing that.

It'll happen eventually, I hope.

You weren't the only one being dumb - I was too.

Your sorry counts more than mine since you don't say it constantly,

But Im sorry too.

And it's all in my head but-

Im tired of staying up late thinking,

Im tired of not being sure of what to say.

Im tired of wondering about what you're doing, or who you're with.

I hate how I cant trust anyone.

I really wish I could, but I guess I cant now.

I feel idiotic and annoying.

Im so confused and nervous for some reason.

I'd like it to be over with.

I'd like to be able to go back and change some things.

I know I cant, but it'd would be nice, at least.

I miss how it was before all this.

Im sorry.

Im only confusing myself more.

No more hiding, right?

What's going on?

ohwow.

hahaa,

i love how you're avoiding me.

it's kind of immature and awesome.

dopjcpoawijawefjadg.iluhegrsf;/pzpdj4 il.uyqaet46wcl;nioxlcrjsfnocasdfcasrfscrwqeiuxlksdf;laskd;flkaslkajsdflksjadflkjasdfklj asoidfjlkasdjfahewoimreallymadtrirtujalsjfgodishasdf.

yeah, incase you wanted to know.

aljflasjdfs.

:|

birthday.

Tonight was a good night.

(sorry again. that's the last time Ill say it for a couple days, i promise?)

songs.

"Sometimes I'm bold and brash; and sometimes I'm prone to crash.

Sometimes I say too much; and sometimes it's not enough -

But I'll never hold you back from something you want so bad -

Just tell me so I'm not sad, was it something I said?"

"If I were strong enough, if I were wrong enough to be someone like you,

Would you have let me come to be with you?

If I had made my own and I had overcome to be someone like you,

Would you have let me come to be with you?"

"Once he kissed me all the poison seeped in,

Let my guard down, boys then became my friends.

Who should I blame for this?

I feel like a fat girl in a foam pit."

So many random verses of songs stuck in my head today.

okay.

"i dont want it to be me vs. you."

and now i remember why im happy your my best friend now.

hm.

im not quite sure why were saying it.

but im still not sure what's going on.

im sorry i started all this.

i should've just left it alone.

because we're just back to where we were,

but with a lot more confusion and awkwardness.

what.

i want this to be done.

i dont mind where we are when it's over.

as long as we're still friends or something.

what do you want?.

.

That would be nice.

I wish I knew more of what you wanted so I could stop confusing you then feeling bad about it.

We're dumb because...well, Im not sure about that one.

ajlasfkadl.

Im trying but everything is confusing me.

Im not sure what's going on anymore.

I feel like everyone's moving and Im stuck.

Im afraid talking will only result in being more confused.

But I would rather that than anything right now.

Sorry.

Im not quite sure what's going on anymore.

My mind is spinning, my heart is racing...

Then nothing happens.

Im confused and lost and need to think.

Everything inside doesn't come out right.

I need to understand something, anything.

And it doesn't seem like that's going to happen soon.

Am I missing something?

tonight.

tonight has been crazy,

but that's okay.

we've got the concept,

not the conclusion,

and that's okay.

you're my best friend,

and i like that.

i am sorry for being hesitant,

i am sorry for being confusing,

and i am sorry for keeping dumb secrets.

andiwillseeyousoonnn.

JustIncase.

Im not even sure who you're talking about,

And I know it's not even me.

But Ill answer anyway and say it's choice two.

dang.

Why do I say such dumb things.

Im an idiot.

Really need to remember to sign out.

Thanks for posting, Micah(:

my favorite person in the '

entire world is micah.

true? yes. poetic, no.. cause

micah sucks at writing.

Dumbbbb.

"Boys can say, 'Oh man, I love this pizza!' and, 'I love you.' and mean the same things."

"Boys are dumb, dad."

i miss you.

i like the way the words 'i miss you.' look typed out by you.

StupidSmile.

Just to let you know:

Confusion kind of sucks.

If you could just make it clear, or something.

Yeah, that'd be nice, I think.

"Let's hope 2010 is better than 2009."

"That's not hard to beat."

"That's why Im hoping!"

Yeah, pretty much.

2010.

I feel like I should be writing something really profound and deep about this year, and next year. But that sounds really cheesy and dumb, so Im not going too.

Accomplishments:

- Turned 14!?

- Read through Psalms and Proverbs in three months.

- Lived through Swine Flu. (Woo?)

- Had only one (or maybe two) outbreaks of dumb ABPA.

- Went to California to see the Laws boys.

- Started high school?

- Got Honor Roll for the first quarter of high school.

- Participated in NaNoWriMo...got halfway?

- Started a blog.

Im too tired to think.

I'll doubt I'll add anything else.

Resolutions:

- FINISH my three unfinished novels.

- COMPLETE NaNoWriMo.

- Finish my altered journal.

- Read the entire New Testament.

mmm...yeah, that's pretty much it.

happy new year(: